When in denial, it is when you are fully aware of the immensity of a certain reality that keeps rubbing on you...
In denying comes the acknowledgement of the very presence of this inescapable reality - a reality that could wreak imbalance into your equilibrium...
How I would like to remain ensconced in my apathetic cocoon...to not submit to this state of denial.
But then only when I boldly shed this ugly scales would I come to know that this looming reality is not as scary as I thought it would be.
Take courage, take flight, flap those still-unsteady-yet-beautiful wings and leave behind those ugly scales - the cowardness of denial...
Monday 21 February 2005
Friday 11 February 2005
The Search
Red-faced from crouching under the table, I stared helplessly at my friends. Their expressions ranged from exasperation to sympathetic mirth. From their faces I could see that my search for the screw of my earrings was futile; good thing, they were sensitive enough not to point this out. But even of they did, I still would continue to search for the screw, futile and embarrassing it may be. I was mindless of the people inside the restaurant who were already looking at me and were curious as to the reason of the racket I was causing. All I had in mind was to find that screw.
After a long time of searching, I was about to give up and started consoling myself. Huff, let bygones be bygones. Trying to shake off my determined yet almost useless pursuit, I took a glance behind just for the last time. And sure enough, there it was!! Ecstasy couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I held the screw of my earrings in my hand.
Reflective as I was, I thought that perhaps my recent experience with the lost screw could somehow be applicable to my long-time pursuit with duh! - Love. That if I could just be a little more patient in my long-time search for that illusive love, perhaps I might be successful in finding it…
My friend told me that perhaps I was so determined in my search for the screw because I know that the screw was right there all along, waiting for me to find it. Perhaps, my faith that duh love really exists subconsciously fuels my efforts to go, look, find and wait for that love to happen to me. And though it’s just within my grasp, I just can’t seem to get my hands on it because I was looking at the wrong places….
Frankly, all the years of inaction from that illusive Cupid’s arrows (that works on both parties mind you) and years of loving on a one-way street somehow made me skeptic and doubtful that “it” could happen to me.
Somehow, I’ve learned how to cherish the peace and happiness I feel with being single and I do mean this without any hint of sourgraping on the sides. Just sheer, blissful peace………
But, oh! I just can’t lie to myself lie as I might to others…I just want someone to rock my world! Call him my melody and my home. Although, right this very moment it’s total duh for me (can’t even imagine myself to be just one inch close with someone), I cant seem to help myself but long to also experience what happy couples have.
I remembered the scene back home last Christmas when my youngest brother, joined Mama and Papa’s hands together and looked, smiled at them. It was like my brother was officiating my parents’ second wedding and giving them their blessing. Even only looking at my parents lying on each others’ lap and them doing things together refuels my determination and yet launch myself to another quest and probably a long time of waiting.
Yes, it probably will be a long wait and that I know, that life I so longed for is not a bed of roses but, it’s a life a want and I want it to be like a heaven on earth.
After a long time of searching, I was about to give up and started consoling myself. Huff, let bygones be bygones. Trying to shake off my determined yet almost useless pursuit, I took a glance behind just for the last time. And sure enough, there it was!! Ecstasy couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I held the screw of my earrings in my hand.
Reflective as I was, I thought that perhaps my recent experience with the lost screw could somehow be applicable to my long-time pursuit with duh! - Love. That if I could just be a little more patient in my long-time search for that illusive love, perhaps I might be successful in finding it…
My friend told me that perhaps I was so determined in my search for the screw because I know that the screw was right there all along, waiting for me to find it. Perhaps, my faith that duh love really exists subconsciously fuels my efforts to go, look, find and wait for that love to happen to me. And though it’s just within my grasp, I just can’t seem to get my hands on it because I was looking at the wrong places….
Frankly, all the years of inaction from that illusive Cupid’s arrows (that works on both parties mind you) and years of loving on a one-way street somehow made me skeptic and doubtful that “it” could happen to me.
Somehow, I’ve learned how to cherish the peace and happiness I feel with being single and I do mean this without any hint of sourgraping on the sides. Just sheer, blissful peace………
But, oh! I just can’t lie to myself lie as I might to others…I just want someone to rock my world! Call him my melody and my home. Although, right this very moment it’s total duh for me (can’t even imagine myself to be just one inch close with someone), I cant seem to help myself but long to also experience what happy couples have.
I remembered the scene back home last Christmas when my youngest brother, joined Mama and Papa’s hands together and looked, smiled at them. It was like my brother was officiating my parents’ second wedding and giving them their blessing. Even only looking at my parents lying on each others’ lap and them doing things together refuels my determination and yet launch myself to another quest and probably a long time of waiting.
Yes, it probably will be a long wait and that I know, that life I so longed for is not a bed of roses but, it’s a life a want and I want it to be like a heaven on earth.
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