Rainy days and Junes

I hate Junes.

It always is rainy in June; be it in the Philippines, Singapore or Japan. And somehow, the drizzle outside gets its way inside; the gloom inside, a reflection of the outside....or is it the other way around?

The skies last week were lovely in that I keep on looking outside and kept on blabbering what a romantic and happy sky it was. And yes, somehow, those skies were reflections of what were inside.

But this week, or at least late this week, 'tis somewhat different....

By the minute, it was getting darker outside as it was on the inside. No, it seemed that outside was a brighter mirror image compared to the inside. And to point the comparison out loud in a trying-to-be-happy-but-definitely-sad-voice just to ease the tension did not help in keeping my emotions in tight rein (hidoi yo...). Rather, it added to the burning in my eyes. Good thing I can still turn away to hide. But alas, I think I was not able to hide.

Later, somehow, everybody seems nicer. Everybody seemed bouyant. A bouyancy that is so fake it makes you want to cry some more. And you can see that on everybody's eyes is some shadow that everybody tries to quell and shut in tight.

I hate Junes. ........

I know though that I should just think of the positive things that this outset has created....
...and think that on a June, I was conceived. Now, with that in my mind, I-should-love-Junes.

It still is dark outside. But at least now, I could see colors in it... hinting of a sunshiny tomorrow....

--------
This bleak tidings per se is a shock in itself. But it was truly a twofold shock for me. I feel like i've been doused with a bucketful of cold freezing water... with my skin all bumpy. Cause how come just when I thought of something inconceivable last night, that very inconceivable thing is in our midst today.... leaving some part of me thinking that had I only not thought about it, there might be some chance that we wouldnt have this. A friend said that if my mindpower is that strong, then I should work on thinking that everything will work out right and that it is for the best.

Oh how I truly hope and pray that it be so....

Omohide Poro poro (Only yesterday)

It sounded like a song my grandmother would sing to me but I like the lyrics...and the setting...

Some say love, it is a river
that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger
an endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower
and you its only seed.

It's the heart, afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream, afraid of waking
that never takes a chance.
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give.
And the soul, afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely
and the road has been too long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed, that with the sun's love
in the spring becomes the rose....

My Girl

My favorite scene........

Yoo Rin was on the elevator on her way down whilst Gong Chan was waiting for the same lift.

Opening and closing his cp with Yoo rin's prank picture as screensaver whilst saying in an agonized half-whisper:

"I'll let her go"

"I won't let her go"

"I have to let her go"

"I can't let her go"

Hearing the lift's "ding", he put down his cellphone and with head still bent, said
"I can let her go".

Raising his head and seeing Yoorin beyond the lift's glass doors,
"I don't...want to let her go."

thoughts from "Long Vacation"

- "if you're unhappy being single, how can you be happy when you're with someone?"
so i guess you have to be really happy as an individual and not rely your happiness on somebody else..cause if you haven't found happiness while being single, more likely you couldn't find happiness neither as a partner..

- "if you like it, if you really love it, you have to live through it even during painful times"
loving something/someone doesn't guarantee that you'll be happy always. pain and suffering always comes with loving. so if you really love someone, you have to fight for it, never letting go and see your love to the very end even though it hurts. there's no place for escapism nor cowardice if you truly love someone...

My Usual Workday Morning

'Cause of the self-declared holiday incident last time, I now keep two alarm clocks - my cp by my side and my desk clock on my table.

As the desk clock rings at 6:30, I force myself to sit on my bed to turn it off, turn on the heater, turn on the tv, stare at the newscasters for a while and on the tv' digital clock that usually shows it's just 6:10AM, then i flop my head on my pillow again and burrow between my thick sheets as I try to keep the cold out. MMMMM! it's so good to sleep when it's cold...Sometimes, when I particularly dread going to the office, I'd flop back to my sheets with a groan and moan. At 6:30 (20 min after), my cp would ring to the tune of "First time" and I'd put it to snooze...snooze again when it rings after 10 min...and snooze again...usually on the 4th snooze, I force myself to get up as the song gets nauseating already..hehe..and the tv's getting loud already. Then i'd get up and stare at the tv again. Sometimes when the tv's digital clock says it's not 7 yet, I'd flop back on my bed again and try to catch some 5 min sleep.

Like a zombie, i'd start cooking my bento for lunch and if the dish would permit it, i'd snatch some 10-min sleep again. When the tv clock says 7:30 though, I have to hurry to take a bath so as to get to the office just in time. I could actually go to the office at 10 as flexy time's already applicable to us but old J habit makes me feel guilty to come to the office so late so I still take the effort to wake up early.

E-v-e-r-y-d-a-y, it's like this....sluggish sluggish...No sunshine anymore...:(

My Abode

Having had seen the other accommodations, I couldn't really complain anymore with my dorm. Albeit lately, I've been considering it as like a beacon to me every time I go home and see it aglow in shades of brown and gold due to the lighting. It being new and pretty, one would just have to ignore the lack of cabinet and its apparent thin walls and partitions (i assume). You could actually hear talking and laughter at the other end of the wall, though you should have some powerful hearing aid to get to hear what they're talking about. But you could actually hear and sing along when some neighbor's belting her heart out. Which tells me to be careful in belting out, myself..hihihi...

This evening, I was cleaning my toilet (have separate bathroom and toilet) when I heard the sound of some trickling water. It sounds like someone urinating (pardon me) but it wasnt me and I thought it absurd if it's coming from the toilet directly above me - it sounded quite clear, you see. Then, much to my chagrin, I heard the flush of the toilet bowl above. Sniff sniff. With creased forehead, brows furrowed worryingly, I stared at the ceiling and imagined a horrifying scene of the ceiling caving in. Horrendous!!

Another first!

Had another first in Japan today! Had my tooth extracted just this evening.

I actually planned to have this 3rd molar for root canal last Wednesday but the dentist didn't recommend it as he said my 3rd molar was needless as I have no lower 3rd molar and hence I have no use for it in chewing food. Poor 3rd molar, no partner for life.....hehe..
He also recommended that it be done away with as it would only cause problems for my other teeth in the future. But as I wouldn't want to decide right there and then to have my tooth extracted, I asked for another appointment. After all, you couldnt bring back your tooth once it's extracted. Another appointment though means another expenses..Oh well.

My dentist was really quite nice actually. My heart aches for him as he really have difficulty with English; he talks to me in haltering, clipped and robotlike phrases. Sometimes he has to puff up his chest just to aid him in expressing what he wants to tell me. But kudos to him though!.He-was-really-very-patient with me. See, I have a quite low threshold for pain so I find myself raising my left hand every now and then to tell him that the operation's getting too painful for me to bear. He has to give me anesthesia twice as the first one wasn't quite effective for me. And much as I tried to control it, my tears continued to stream down my temples the whole duration of the extraction. The whole operation though just took 45 min but I feel like it was too long for comfort for me. We have to take a break every one or two pulls to regain my composure and to wipe away my tears (blush). I was soo weak-kneed after the operation and I was shaking all over - most probably from the fear..hehe. Being a true Japanese, my dentist took the trouble though to visit me (just before seeing his next patient) in the reception area, as I waited for my medicine to take home with me, to tell me to take care in going home as he can see that I was shaking.

He must have thought me weird though when I asked for my tooth to take home with me. Just an hour ago, I took a picture of it to show Mama during our chat and alas, it was the last picture that my 3-year-old camera made. For some reason, my camera just broke down...wahhhh!!..=(

Hmmmm...could it be my loose tooth's bad luck? Gotta get rid of it soon.

And yeah!! Martian just came back from Thailand and gave me a nice nice guy Thai doll!! the second male doll in my collection it is. The first was the cowboy Paige gave me last Christmas. Now, suddenly I missed those two cowboy dolls...

one more on repeat mode!

Waiting for Love

Was it something in the rain,
Or a chance of love again
That made me explain
The secrets of my soul
I guess I'm only needing
Someone to hold

But I was gone without a trace,
And the rain blew away...

And it seems I've spent my whole life
Waiting for love
And when it comes,
I always run away...

Was it something on a dream
That touch my memory
Or a picture I didn't know I've seen
That made me stop and stare
And then I lost him
If he was ever there

Cause I'm afraid of being close
But I need to be the most...

And it seems I've spent my whole life
Waiting for love
And when it comes,
I always run away...

Cause I'm afraid of being close
Where I need to be the most...
And it seems I've spent my whole life
Waiting for love
And when it comes,
I always run away...

And i'm afraid i'll spend my whole life
waiting for love
Till my last day
has come to run away

And it seems
i'll spend my whole life
waiting for love....................

on repeat mode...

...in my player.

Bridges

I have crossed a thousand bridges
in my search for something real.
There were great suspension bridges,
made like spiderwebs of steel.
There were tiny wooden trestles,
and there were bridges made of stone.
I have always been a stranger
and I've always been alone.

There's a bridge to tomorrow,
there's a bridge from the past.
There's a bridge made of sorrow
that I pray will not last.
There's a bridge made of colors
in the sky high above
and I think that there must be
bridges made out of love.

I can see him in the distance
on the river's other shore,
and his hands reach out in longing
as my own have done before.
And I call across to tell him
where I believe the bridge must lie,
and I'll find it,
yes, I'll find it,
if I search until I die.

When the bridge is between us,
we'll have nothing to fear.
We will run through the sunlight
and you'll meet me halfway.
There's a bridge made of colors
in the sky high above
and I'm certain that somewhere
there's a bridge made of love

Indulge

MMmmmm..A nice, productive and peaceful day it was.



I first headed off to Zoff's at More's to buy a new pair of eyeglasses. The one i bought just before going to Japan was too narrow for comfort; straining my eyes more rather than protecting my eyesight. So now I got me-self a new wide-view glasses that's just perfect for my quite-larger-than-usual eyes, hehehe..Good thing a jap colleague knows this affordable optical shop so it's still within my budget limits. Was glad too for the kinda-different experience to have my eyes tested here in Japan.



As it would only take about an hour to wait for my glasses, I walked around Yokohama while I waited. I got my second "first-time" for the day in Takashimaya as the Clinique lady made me up. At first I held my breath as she applied rouge on my lips till (I believe) I almost turned blue...hahaha..Man, getting made up by a flawless lady makes one really self-conscious...hehehe..Anyways, thanks Vanz, Sugar Bean was really pretty! Got myself one already..=)



I then headed off to Negishi-Shinrin Park for a late lunch under the sakura. So there I was, with a bento box on my knees and snuggled on my pretty-100 yen-Tinker bell picnic mat, sprawled on the ground that was lightly matted with fallen sakura in the midst of the sakura trees. I passed the next couple of hours reading with my back against the sakura tree. It was lovely to see the cherry blossoms as they fell and blown away by the wind; 'twas like seeing pink snowflakes. Lovely.



I was actually hesitant to go and spend the afternoon alone in Negishi knowing that there'd be lots of people around; laughing with their own groups. I was a bit afraid that i'd feel lonely and instead of passing a peaceful afternoon, I'd pass the rest of the day depressed. But my worries were unfounded as I later realized. On my little nook at the brow of the hill, I gazed about me as the sakura fell. And despite all the troubles that kept on bugging me lately, I was at peace, so at ease and very much contented. A thought crossed my mind. If parallelism could have it's way, then maybe, I shouldn't be too afraid of spending the rest of my life alone. Maybe, just maybe, the one thing im so afraid of would turn out to be peaceful and heavenly after all......


...my little peace of heaven today...

wehehehe

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

The other night dear as I lay dreaming
I dreamt that you were by my side
Came disillusion when I awoke dear
You were gone and then I cried

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

You told me once dear there'd be no other
That no one else could come between
But now you've left me to love another
You have broken all my dreams

You are my sunshine my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know dear how much I love you
So please don't take my sunshine away

sakura!

"after a harsh and hard winter, finally the warm spring will come. I wonder when my own spring will come..."

Success!

success on first try!
Arancine!! ~ Italian riceball..."Oishii Poropozu" inspired

freshly squeezed =D

freshly fried! =)

Bye Rhea....

I was laughing at how Chiaki-sempai complained on Nodame leeching on him when my world was shaken by Farrah's buzz.

Rhea's dead, just this morning...I almost dropped my empty plate - I was eating while watching Nodame.

After the initial shock, there was some curious sting to my eyes as suddenly, Rhea's sunny smile kept popping up in my head. Scenes from when we were in Grade 6 (we only became classmates after I got accelerated) and in high school came streaming in...all filled with Rhea's bright smile, sunny disposition and confident-yet-not-overbearing personality. She was (....was....) one who spreads around positive vibes. Being our Validectorian in elementary, she really has a very promising future...it really is too bad that she even had not been able to leave her husband another little Rhea with the same bubbly disposition...

Bye Rhea...at least now, you wouldn't be having the pain you had undergone.

Otome na aku..

Quite a nice day I had.

Finally, I was able to go to church almost on time (was only able to catch the responsorial psalm) and later was able to talk to the choir's organizer on how to join their group. Hope I'll be a fast learner (of their songs) come practice time next week...=D

I then headed on to Yokohama (first time to go back there since I arrived here) for lunch and for some Otome business...At the station, I felt again what I always feel when Im in Yokohama station - lost and at a loss, hehe. Diminutive as I am and wide-eyed as I could expect, that "lost and at a loss" feeling must have shown too much on my face. But luckily, I was able to find my way and didnt get lost.

Had pork tepanyaki at Botejyu and it was quite filling and stomach bulging (wahhh...my tummy's getting bigger here in J...). Too bad I didnt bring my camera as the place was interesting and quite a sight...

After lunch, I then headed for Yodobashi. They transferred to a farther building now but I gotta buy at Yodobashi so I could earn points. hehe. I feel like a full pledged otome as I looked around for LAN cable (I need a longer one as I have rearranged my things and the one provided was too short) and headset. So now my laptop and internet connection's quite settled already and I can finally voicechat and record songs! hehehe..