My classes are consuming my weekends but I couldnt have asked for anything more...
It's a real big help to me, especially since it takes my mind away from depressing thoughts.
At times, I feel pressured 'cause most of my classmates are kids (there's this particular rude kid i really DONT like). But what the heck, I enrolled to keep my mind off things and I wouldnt want any hecklers to hinder me from enjoying singing.
During my first two classes, I felt like I failed...my coaches (kim and jo) wrote a lot of things to improve on my singing. I was thinking, I might be singing Healing for most of my classes..
but then I was wrong..hehe..
On my 3rd session, coach dharlene said, I should find another challenging song and that i have a good VQ and TQ. I looked for challenging songs for me so I chose "Where do Broken Hearts Go" and "Break it to Me Gently". On the next session, coach uly loved my "Break it to Me Gently" (^_^) but he suggested i look for a more challenging song..he chose "Emotions" and I must admit it really really is a difficult one..and so, i cant help but grumble as i dont want a challenging song..i just want to sing, that's all..
Anyways, coach uly and kim invited me as front act in their concert and sing one song!!
i chickened out so i said, i'll think about it first..
now, im thrilled of the thought...i was wondering if the offer still stands come saturday?
=)
Monday, 25 July 2005
Saturday, 23 July 2005
Pins, Pick-ups and Flies
Friday night was an unusually long night for me...
Office once again got to my nerves and it was taking all my will power not hit sink bottom again. Towards the afternoon, I kept glancing out the window and somehow, the determination of the sun to penetrate those ominous clouds gave me the inspiration to not give in to the gnawing claws of dejection.
My officemate and I went out to buy our sending off gift to Paige who'llbe going to the States in the next couple of weeks. We then went to a KTV within the mall and reserved a room for our farewell party next week. After parting ways with my officemate, I once again felt the coldness around me..sucking out all the happiness i've been holding on to for the past couple of days. Much like what Harry Potter must have felt when dementors were around him. As usual when I get this kind of feeling, I grabbed an ice cream and reveled on something much colder than what I feel...
Around 10, i met Malou and Michelle and we headed off to a comedy bar... just what i need to help me unwind.
I really am amazed that in the truest sense of the word, gays are really gay and fun to be around...Just looking at them perform, sing and crack jokes (though you should be open minded to get a hang on their jokes) makes one think that being gay as they are, still, they have carried out their karma to the fullest. Good for them, as they're assured they wouldnt turn into stones in their next life..hmmm..i wonder if they've reached nirvana yet.....=)
Anyways, at that time, I was thinking if it was my karma to go out and sing on the stage. My two companions were trying their bestest (^_^) to convince me to sing on stage but I was so, so afraid to have the gays make fun of me and make a laughingstock out of me and ask me one fatal question: "girl, do you have a boyfriend?"...aaarrgghh..One fatal question would lead to another, i'm sure of it...
The challenge to perform and conquer my fears got the better of me however and I agreed to sing "So Slow" (again) and "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways".
Waiting for my turn took forever however...Finally, Michelle expedited the waiter and after some confirmations, we were told that I was next in line. I was really nervous (wonder how fear of gays is called?-gaynophobia??^_^) I had to go to the CR to pee.
Michelle really acted like a stage sister so much, I was starting to think she's more nervous than I was... Anyways, I wasnt called in the next number however and so, we waited for yet another number, my nervousness mounting all the while. However, this did not hinder me from noticing how the guys from the other table were looking at michelle. Being on the lookout for attractive personalities myself, their moves were all too familiar to me--like, discreetly looking at his back (it wasnt discreet to me really) or turning around and signaling for the waiter when there was no waiter at the back at all...=)
I told Michelle how the guys at the other table were trying to communicate to each other there was a looker at our table but michelle wouldnt hear of it. I decided to stall for time however and see what would their next move be.
Just then, Phillip (a famous gay TV personality) called my name and instantly, I heard drum rolls in my ears. Though it was getting louder as I walked to the stage, I felt like it was also eerily silent at the same time...like, a pin could drop to the ground and still you could hear a loud thud as it hit the floor...
Try as I might to just enjoy the song and forget how nervous i am, still, it was a big effort for me to hide the shaking I felt inside. This did not stop me however, to notice how a real cutie guy in front kept banging his head to the beat of my song and how he kept clapping his hand..=)
I glanced on the direction of my friends and the sight of the guy-on-the-next-table talking to michelle somehow zapped my nervousness and I suddenly found myself smiling on stage. The applause I got after my number was really heart-warming but i was suddenly oblivious to it as I was excited to hear Michelle's story. It turned out that the guy-on-the-next-table asked michelle if she (and her companions ) would like some more drinks. Michelle declined however, and told the guy we were just about to go and were just waiting for me to finish with my performance. Poor guy..if I was there, I wouldnt have delined the offer (though i was not the one being offerred) and would have ordered marguerita for the three of us (it's free so why sulk?hehe). Anyways, thinking about it now, michelle's decision may have been right as we couldnt have handled the guys later on (they look too big for me and thinking of the consequences makes the experience somewhat scary..^_^). Certified manangs, we are...hehe..
Right after my "performance" (as it was very late, or shall we say early in the morning already), we got out and headed to Malou's car. Malou was then frantically searching for her car keys but couldnt find it in her bag nor in her pockets. Michelle cracked a joke that the keys must have been left inside the car...
Horrified, it dawned on us that the key WAS really left inside the car...
Some guys noticed our dilemma and they told us the car door lock has to be forced. Funny how they were so defensive when they told us they were just there to help us and that they were really not experts on forcing car door locks. They tried to force the lock using a wire but after about 30 mins, their attempts were futile however. They called on another guy, a taxi driver, and the guy was profusely cursing them as he was saying he was a taxi driver and not a professional carnapper. Nevertheless, it turned out he was good at picking locks as he was able to open the car door in no time at all, with just a fork in hand...
Malou saw Michelle and me home and the excitement of the night was slowly taking a toll on us. We chatted for some time in the sala and I got up to take a look at myself in the full length mirror. Just as we thought we had enough excitement for the night, I found out that my fly was open!!!It was open from the time I went to the CR in the bar, up to the time I went up the stage and until we went home. Good thing my polo was long and my open fly wasnt obvious. Or was it??
=)
Office once again got to my nerves and it was taking all my will power not hit sink bottom again. Towards the afternoon, I kept glancing out the window and somehow, the determination of the sun to penetrate those ominous clouds gave me the inspiration to not give in to the gnawing claws of dejection.
My officemate and I went out to buy our sending off gift to Paige who'll
Around 10, i met Malou and Michelle and we headed off to a comedy bar... just what i need to help me unwind.
I really am amazed that in the truest sense of the word, gays are really gay and fun to be around...Just looking at them perform, sing and crack jokes (though you should be open minded to get a hang on their jokes) makes one think that being gay as they are, still, they have carried out their karma to the fullest. Good for them, as they're assured they wouldnt turn into stones in their next life..hmmm..i wonder if they've reached nirvana yet.....=)
Anyways, at that time, I was thinking if it was my karma to go out and sing on the stage. My two companions were trying their bestest (^_^) to convince me to sing on stage but I was so, so afraid to have the gays make fun of me and make a laughingstock out of me and ask me one fatal question: "girl, do you have a boyfriend?"...aaarrgghh..One fatal question would lead to another, i'm sure of it...
The challenge to perform and conquer my fears got the better of me however and I agreed to sing "So Slow" (again) and "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways".
Waiting for my turn took forever however...Finally, Michelle expedited the waiter and after some confirmations, we were told that I was next in line. I was really nervous (wonder how fear of gays is called?-gaynophobia??^_^) I had to go to the CR to pee.
Michelle really acted like a stage sister so much, I was starting to think she's more nervous than I was... Anyways, I wasnt called in the next number however and so, we waited for yet another number, my nervousness mounting all the while. However, this did not hinder me from noticing how the guys from the other table were looking at michelle. Being on the lookout for attractive personalities myself, their moves were all too familiar to me--like, discreetly looking at his back (it wasnt discreet to me really) or turning around and signaling for the waiter when there was no waiter at the back at all...=)
I told Michelle how the guys at the other table were trying to communicate to each other there was a looker at our table but michelle wouldnt hear of it. I decided to stall for time however and see what would their next move be.
Just then, Phillip (a famous gay TV personality) called my name and instantly, I heard drum rolls in my ears. Though it was getting louder as I walked to the stage, I felt like it was also eerily silent at the same time...like, a pin could drop to the ground and still you could hear a loud thud as it hit the floor...
Try as I might to just enjoy the song and forget how nervous i am, still, it was a big effort for me to hide the shaking I felt inside. This did not stop me however, to notice how a real cutie guy in front kept banging his head to the beat of my song and how he kept clapping his hand..=)
I glanced on the direction of my friends and the sight of the guy-on-the-next-table talking to michelle somehow zapped my nervousness and I suddenly found myself smiling on stage. The applause I got after my number was really heart-warming but i was suddenly oblivious to it as I was excited to hear Michelle's story. It turned out that the guy-on-the-next-table asked michelle if she (and her companions ) would like some more drinks. Michelle declined however, and told the guy we were just about to go and were just waiting for me to finish with my performance. Poor guy..if I was there, I wouldnt have delined the offer (though i was not the one being offerred) and would have ordered marguerita for the three of us (it's free so why sulk?hehe). Anyways, thinking about it now, michelle's decision may have been right as we couldnt have handled the guys later on (they look too big for me and thinking of the consequences makes the experience somewhat scary..^_^). Certified manangs, we are...hehe..
Right after my "performance" (as it was very late, or shall we say early in the morning already), we got out and headed to Malou's car. Malou was then frantically searching for her car keys but couldnt find it in her bag nor in her pockets. Michelle cracked a joke that the keys must have been left inside the car...
Horrified, it dawned on us that the key WAS really left inside the car...
Some guys noticed our dilemma and they told us the car door lock has to be forced. Funny how they were so defensive when they told us they were just there to help us and that they were really not experts on forcing car door locks. They tried to force the lock using a wire but after about 30 mins, their attempts were futile however. They called on another guy, a taxi driver, and the guy was profusely cursing them as he was saying he was a taxi driver and not a professional carnapper. Nevertheless, it turned out he was good at picking locks as he was able to open the car door in no time at all, with just a fork in hand...
Malou saw Michelle and me home and the excitement of the night was slowly taking a toll on us. We chatted for some time in the sala and I got up to take a look at myself in the full length mirror. Just as we thought we had enough excitement for the night, I found out that my fly was open!!!It was open from the time I went to the CR in the bar, up to the time I went up the stage and until we went home. Good thing my polo was long and my open fly wasnt obvious. Or was it??
=)
Thursday, 31 March 2005
Deadly Apathy
Last night, Paige and I went staright to SM southmall right after office (where else can we go) for dinner. Traffic again was sluggish like it had been for a few days now. Earlier on, we agreed to eat in Binalot and afterwhich indulge in ice cream (gotta have something colder than the coldness of depression that's eating us raw).
Upon reaching SM's basement floor, Paige suggested we first take a look at ******* Bento (a Japanese express resto which serves food done also by a famous japanese restaurant in the area) before we order at Binalot.
The aroma of Jap food wafted to our nostrils and I was really surprised coz it smelled soooo japanese (honestly, japanese food served here in our country are such poor imitation of real jap food sold in Nihon).
Anyways, the smell made me nostalgic and somewhat homesick in that I convinced Paige we eat there instead of at Binalot.
So off we ate at this bento resto and ordered katsudon and strawberry iced tea (which by the way, tasted like cheap strawberry juice and such a far cry from the strawberry tea I had in Verry Strawberry, Tokyu Hands). In fairness, their katsudon tastes good 'though I like katsudon in #### (located in ATC foodcourt) more 'cause there, katsudon comes with miso soup which I always sip straight from the bowl like the japanese do (care ko if that's a no no in Filipino culture).
After dinner, we bought ice creams and licked our cones in SM foodcourt. While I was so-happily licking my cold delight, I happen to glance at my side and sure enough a young guy was staring at me. He was mumbling something to me and he looked like either he was near tears or had been crying for sometime already. From what I gather with his mumblings, he seemed to be asking for money.I looked away then and continued to lick my ice cream while covertly relaying to Paige the young man's plea.
With so many deceivers, swindlers and delinquents nowadays, it makes one be wary of people asking for money. We tried to avoid the young guy's gaze and secretly disputed within ourselves if we shall give in and give him some bucks.
Inwardly, I was disputing if this boy's just deceiving us. He doesn't look like a beggar mind you; neither does he look like some rascal who's ready to plunge a knife at you if it fancies him. No. He looked like a child who's lost in his way and is at a loss what to do.
I sneaked another glance at him and he was already facing the other way where he was begging his way to a father out to dinner with his family. But the older man brusquely waved his hand at him as if shooing the poor boy out.
Daunted, the young man then stood up and walked away with bowed head. It really pricked my heart as I watched him retreating.
And Paige was moved as much....
Sin of omission. That was it. Really sad how lack of trust could lead people to apathy.
Paige and i glumly finished our ice cream. Deep within us, we know we'll have one troubled night; much worse a troubled sleep. We just perked up a bit when we decided to look for the young man.
And so you can just imagine how glad we were when we saw him sitting on a bench in front of watson's.
Still with that same look - lost and at a loss.
We approached him and asked him what was his dilemma. It turned out he's from Bacoor, Cavite and his companion already left him and went ahead to Bacoor; him left behind and penniless.
All he was just asking was a 20-peso fare back home....
Later, when Paige and I were walking home, we shuddered at the thought of not seeing him again and him wandering the streets at night and wondering how he'll be able to get home.
Heart wrenching isnt it?
Gives me the creeps how apathy can destroy someone's life.......
Upon reaching SM's basement floor, Paige suggested we first take a look at ******* Bento (a Japanese express resto which serves food done also by a famous japanese restaurant in the area) before we order at Binalot.
The aroma of Jap food wafted to our nostrils and I was really surprised coz it smelled soooo japanese (honestly, japanese food served here in our country are such poor imitation of real jap food sold in Nihon).
Anyways, the smell made me nostalgic and somewhat homesick in that I convinced Paige we eat there instead of at Binalot.
So off we ate at this bento resto and ordered katsudon and strawberry iced tea (which by the way, tasted like cheap strawberry juice and such a far cry from the strawberry tea I had in Verry Strawberry, Tokyu Hands). In fairness, their katsudon tastes good 'though I like katsudon in #### (located in ATC foodcourt) more 'cause there, katsudon comes with miso soup which I always sip straight from the bowl like the japanese do (care ko if that's a no no in Filipino culture).
After dinner, we bought ice creams and licked our cones in SM foodcourt. While I was so-happily licking my cold delight, I happen to glance at my side and sure enough a young guy was staring at me. He was mumbling something to me and he looked like either he was near tears or had been crying for sometime already. From what I gather with his mumblings, he seemed to be asking for money.I looked away then and continued to lick my ice cream while covertly relaying to Paige the young man's plea.
With so many deceivers, swindlers and delinquents nowadays, it makes one be wary of people asking for money. We tried to avoid the young guy's gaze and secretly disputed within ourselves if we shall give in and give him some bucks.
Inwardly, I was disputing if this boy's just deceiving us. He doesn't look like a beggar mind you; neither does he look like some rascal who's ready to plunge a knife at you if it fancies him. No. He looked like a child who's lost in his way and is at a loss what to do.
I sneaked another glance at him and he was already facing the other way where he was begging his way to a father out to dinner with his family. But the older man brusquely waved his hand at him as if shooing the poor boy out.
Daunted, the young man then stood up and walked away with bowed head. It really pricked my heart as I watched him retreating.
And Paige was moved as much....
Sin of omission. That was it. Really sad how lack of trust could lead people to apathy.
Paige and i glumly finished our ice cream. Deep within us, we know we'll have one troubled night; much worse a troubled sleep. We just perked up a bit when we decided to look for the young man.
And so you can just imagine how glad we were when we saw him sitting on a bench in front of watson's.
Still with that same look - lost and at a loss.
We approached him and asked him what was his dilemma. It turned out he's from Bacoor, Cavite and his companion already left him and went ahead to Bacoor; him left behind and penniless.
All he was just asking was a 20-peso fare back home....
Later, when Paige and I were walking home, we shuddered at the thought of not seeing him again and him wandering the streets at night and wondering how he'll be able to get home.
Heart wrenching isnt it?
Gives me the creeps how apathy can destroy someone's life.......
Monday, 21 March 2005
of miss saigon and my hydraulics.......
so late already..and here i am still, staring at this wretched compressor that won't converge for heavens know what reason...
feel like my head has reached yet again it's saturation point...
but, still can't help but be enraptured with miss saigon that has been repeatedly played over and over in my pc..
such sorry fate for one who has loved so much..but i envy her for being such a fighter and such a hopeful..
months ago, that has been my mantra--
"I still..
I still believe,
you will return
I know you
will my heart
against all odds
holds still..."
but now..nah...just doesnt apply anymore and should not apply anymore much as i would like to....
---------
above should have been my entry last night. but i was soooo saturated
i cant even organize my thoughts..
anyways, this morning started perfect since i found my compressor now running!
yet still now, it's late again and miss saigon's playing again on my pc...
i feel ssoooo much with this play in that i soooo hope i could get to see this on Broadway...or even get to sing this myself on stage...
hahahha.."dreams are my reality.."
familiar song aint it?
feel like my head has reached yet again it's saturation point...
but, still can't help but be enraptured with miss saigon that has been repeatedly played over and over in my pc..
such sorry fate for one who has loved so much..but i envy her for being such a fighter and such a hopeful..
months ago, that has been my mantra--
"I still..
I still believe,
you will return
I know you
will my heart
against all odds
holds still..."
but now..nah...just doesnt apply anymore and should not apply anymore much as i would like to....
---------
above should have been my entry last night. but i was soooo saturated
i cant even organize my thoughts..
anyways, this morning started perfect since i found my compressor now running!
yet still now, it's late again and miss saigon's playing again on my pc...
i feel ssoooo much with this play in that i soooo hope i could get to see this on Broadway...or even get to sing this myself on stage...
hahahha.."dreams are my reality.."
familiar song aint it?
Monday, 14 March 2005
Monday, 21 February 2005
In Denial
When in denial, it is when you are fully aware of the immensity of a certain reality that keeps rubbing on you...
In denying comes the acknowledgement of the very presence of this inescapable reality - a reality that could wreak imbalance into your equilibrium...
How I would like to remain ensconced in my apathetic cocoon...to not submit to this state of denial.
But then only when I boldly shed this ugly scales would I come to know that this looming reality is not as scary as I thought it would be.
Take courage, take flight, flap those still-unsteady-yet-beautiful wings and leave behind those ugly scales - the cowardness of denial...
In denying comes the acknowledgement of the very presence of this inescapable reality - a reality that could wreak imbalance into your equilibrium...
How I would like to remain ensconced in my apathetic cocoon...to not submit to this state of denial.
But then only when I boldly shed this ugly scales would I come to know that this looming reality is not as scary as I thought it would be.
Take courage, take flight, flap those still-unsteady-yet-beautiful wings and leave behind those ugly scales - the cowardness of denial...
Friday, 11 February 2005
The Search
Red-faced from crouching under the table, I stared helplessly at my friends. Their expressions ranged from exasperation to sympathetic mirth. From their faces I could see that my search for the screw of my earrings was futile; good thing, they were sensitive enough not to point this out. But even of they did, I still would continue to search for the screw, futile and embarrassing it may be. I was mindless of the people inside the restaurant who were already looking at me and were curious as to the reason of the racket I was causing. All I had in mind was to find that screw.
After a long time of searching, I was about to give up and started consoling myself. Huff, let bygones be bygones. Trying to shake off my determined yet almost useless pursuit, I took a glance behind just for the last time. And sure enough, there it was!! Ecstasy couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I held the screw of my earrings in my hand.
Reflective as I was, I thought that perhaps my recent experience with the lost screw could somehow be applicable to my long-time pursuit with duh! - Love. That if I could just be a little more patient in my long-time search for that illusive love, perhaps I might be successful in finding it…
My friend told me that perhaps I was so determined in my search for the screw because I know that the screw was right there all along, waiting for me to find it. Perhaps, my faith that duh love really exists subconsciously fuels my efforts to go, look, find and wait for that love to happen to me. And though it’s just within my grasp, I just can’t seem to get my hands on it because I was looking at the wrong places….
Frankly, all the years of inaction from that illusive Cupid’s arrows (that works on both parties mind you) and years of loving on a one-way street somehow made me skeptic and doubtful that “it” could happen to me.
Somehow, I’ve learned how to cherish the peace and happiness I feel with being single and I do mean this without any hint of sourgraping on the sides. Just sheer, blissful peace………
But, oh! I just can’t lie to myself lie as I might to others…I just want someone to rock my world! Call him my melody and my home. Although, right this very moment it’s total duh for me (can’t even imagine myself to be just one inch close with someone), I cant seem to help myself but long to also experience what happy couples have.
I remembered the scene back home last Christmas when my youngest brother, joined Mama and Papa’s hands together and looked, smiled at them. It was like my brother was officiating my parents’ second wedding and giving them their blessing. Even only looking at my parents lying on each others’ lap and them doing things together refuels my determination and yet launch myself to another quest and probably a long time of waiting.
Yes, it probably will be a long wait and that I know, that life I so longed for is not a bed of roses but, it’s a life a want and I want it to be like a heaven on earth.
After a long time of searching, I was about to give up and started consoling myself. Huff, let bygones be bygones. Trying to shake off my determined yet almost useless pursuit, I took a glance behind just for the last time. And sure enough, there it was!! Ecstasy couldn’t describe the feeling I had when I held the screw of my earrings in my hand.
Reflective as I was, I thought that perhaps my recent experience with the lost screw could somehow be applicable to my long-time pursuit with duh! - Love. That if I could just be a little more patient in my long-time search for that illusive love, perhaps I might be successful in finding it…
My friend told me that perhaps I was so determined in my search for the screw because I know that the screw was right there all along, waiting for me to find it. Perhaps, my faith that duh love really exists subconsciously fuels my efforts to go, look, find and wait for that love to happen to me. And though it’s just within my grasp, I just can’t seem to get my hands on it because I was looking at the wrong places….
Frankly, all the years of inaction from that illusive Cupid’s arrows (that works on both parties mind you) and years of loving on a one-way street somehow made me skeptic and doubtful that “it” could happen to me.
Somehow, I’ve learned how to cherish the peace and happiness I feel with being single and I do mean this without any hint of sourgraping on the sides. Just sheer, blissful peace………
But, oh! I just can’t lie to myself lie as I might to others…I just want someone to rock my world! Call him my melody and my home. Although, right this very moment it’s total duh for me (can’t even imagine myself to be just one inch close with someone), I cant seem to help myself but long to also experience what happy couples have.
I remembered the scene back home last Christmas when my youngest brother, joined Mama and Papa’s hands together and looked, smiled at them. It was like my brother was officiating my parents’ second wedding and giving them their blessing. Even only looking at my parents lying on each others’ lap and them doing things together refuels my determination and yet launch myself to another quest and probably a long time of waiting.
Yes, it probably will be a long wait and that I know, that life I so longed for is not a bed of roses but, it’s a life a want and I want it to be like a heaven on earth.
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