Multi-tasking

With the load and burden i'm in now, the word seemed like an underestimation (?...been racking my brain for the right word but i couldnt come up with one)

It's like you have to think of everything and have time to do everything.
Though i'm relieved the pressure of my voice lessons is off me, still part of me misses the diversion and the one-of-a-kind-and-altogether-different challenge i have to conquer when i'm up the stage.

Recitals went well i suppose and i'm happy coz my friends liked my performance and the rest of the show. I missed the kids though (now i really wonder when i'm going to have one of my own or IF i'm ever going to have one..hahahaha).

oh yeah, it turned out my ex crush had another appointment so he didnt show up in my recital. Too bad he didnt see me give my best..ehehhehe..

Today, Paige flew to US.................
Bye dear friend, God speed and let's just keep on praying we'll meet again..there..=D

words that struck me.....

Fate and free will often intersect. Where you go from there is up to you.

-------------------

I feel the rain tap on my head,
Could it be your tears? Do you need a friend?
I dont know how far, and I dont know how long,
All I know is that He's faithful.
Such a love, it burns deep inside
I know that you'll be worth all the tears that I have cried.
-When God Writes Your Love Story

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The sweetest things in this world today have come to us through tears and pain.
-When God Writes Your Love Story


On second thoughts, above seems so hopeful right?

hugs and kisses

Today's my last session in my Voice and Stage Lessons.

Tomorrow's gonna be my recital and so we had our general rehearsals earlier today.
When i arrived in the center and entered the "performance hall", warm greetings and hugs and kisses welcomed me as the kids gathered around me (and to think they were doing vocalizations then). It's so heartwarming, knowing they liked me. I would miss those kids, especially hannah, jamilla, and chester...Which made me think I really am better around kids than with teenagers..=)

Chester gave me a drawing after a fellow recitalist and i sang our number and i think i'm gonna keep it with me for a long time...i so remember the drawings, letters, and cards my younger brothers gave me all these years...

Oh yeah, i remember, the other night, my brother (the one next to me), said "i love you" to me. Now, that's worth blogging as that was the first time he said it in all our lives!!!haha...
He must have felt the confusion i'm in now......

new kid on the block

im quite excited with my recital although thinking about my song gives me the creeps...it's sooo high i have to use a head tone...

plus, a friend just texted saying she'll try to bring along her friend who's been my ex-crush...
now, im really nervous with the thought..
i feel like a high school girl walking past the campus heartthrob. So giddy, yet so so nervous...

well, at least there's a relief from my current quicksand....

Lost..........

It's just soooooo ironic.

The Golden rule took a flip and what i did was a reverse of what should be. I never intend to though...=(
Anyways, what someone did to me I unconsciously did to another. And to a true loyal friend at that.
To think that just last night someone just broke a promise to me (that friend might have done it unconsciously though), this afternoon, I broke a pact myself...

Now, if one could only decide on something that could hurt not one person yet at the same time would not sacrifice his own happiness nor ignore the proddings of the people whose opinion he'd trusted for most of his life...

Frankly though, Im not sure where I would be happy....

In decision making, I've always tried to go for where my heart lies. But for now, it seems that my heart would like to go to many places at the same time.

I am practically torn. Lost. Confused.

This afternoon, though I'd like to spend more time with a dear friend, we had to cut it short as I still have my rehearsals for this sunday's recital and she still has to work. During rehearsals, though i can really call it a success (and frankly i'm surprised myself as I've just traveled and was really harassed, not to mention "tuliro") as my coaches and classmates (and their parents) liked it, I cant help but feel really sad and bad because at the back of my mind, I cant help but think that some people that matter to me might be hurt with what decision I might have.

And for now, I still dont know what it is.....

More Gales...

I may have to get used to gales for now. Seems like it's the season for this.

This morning had been liked another whirlwind. Plus, had to do some acting job...

An unexpected expected reward came, a blessing this is yes, though this only made things more complicated and harder to let go.

And I'm sooooo happy coz Malou gave me a Love Ball!!! - a much-asked gift for some time now..hehe..
Tested it already with a friend and for those "for the moment questions" it seems that it's telling the truth (am trying to convince myself yeah)...
I wonder though if the question I asked for September will come true........=)

A confused kid, I am now.....

And as for controversies...please people, leave me alone...

Gales.........

And a whirlwind it was....

So much have happened the past few days it was hard to keep tab on all of them...

Did much internal cartwheels and mental yogas;
Did quite an acting in a concert where I had a hard time fitting in (I prefer kids over teenagers);
Had lots of fun with the comedy "bar" of our own;
A tidal wave that swept me off my feet;
Imminent envoi.......

rehearsals and stuff

Last night had been pretty eventful.

I have to leave the office early (and this time reluctantly, imagine?!) for rehearsals for this friday's concert and a meeting for my finals come end of the month.

They want me to sing another Whitney Houston song...they say her songs suit me best but then i want to sing the voice within...right now, i feel like a child with a tantrum who refused to go walking any further and just sat on the floor with her legs again on a froglike position. I want "the voice within", i want "the voice within", i want "the voice within".........
i still have a chance of convincing them though since they havent heard me sing this yet. All i have to do is to practice it a lot so they'll give a go signal na that i can sing the voice within in my recital...But I have this sinking feeling my voice is really not suited to the song...=(

Afterwards was practice for "Long Playing"....hmmmmmmm...it rrrrrreally feels good to dance and feel the rythmn of the music get to you...Still have a problem though getting along with the teenagers. It's like my social skills are put to test. Or perhaps, I really am getting old..=(
But if that's the case, why do I get along very well with little kids?hmmm...

Afterwards still was like a whirlwind...=)
Wonder where it will take me?.......

Toxic

Head swimming...
Heightened hearing sense...
Slang speech...

Still am intoxicated after last night's booze session with my housemates.
Temporary madness, brief numbness.

It would be better though if one can just purge out in an instant the toxins inside you.

Anyways, drunk as i am, i still was not able to do my cartwheel....

and they say im summa cum laude......hehehe

fow now, ive decided to make this blog for future reference of memorable and momentous events...........

praticum hubbub

Today had been such a hectic day...

Practicum's to be at makati and i am yet to buy my attire and accessories (sm southmall opens at 10). In an hour's rush, i got to buy what i needed and so off i go to makati to meet a friend who knows the bar where we were supposed to have our practicum. By the time I got to her house, i'm about to drop with hunger and my aching feet was killing me. As i was already late (we need to be at the bar by 12 yet i was still not dressed around 1), I have to eat, dress and apply make-up (what little i know) all in 30 min's time.

My friend's house was just walking distance to the bar and so i have no choice but to walk, though i was REALLY self-conscious with my attire (it was simple for some people i guess..but being the certified manang i am, it's a bit sexier than what should be).

My friend and I got lost for like 15 min i think..hehe..we made the wrong turn...and so what little poise i had left, evaporated as my aching feet was consuming my consciousness and the stiffling heat was suffocating.

Anyways, my friend and I reached the bar after some time and she left me to fetch our other friends who'll be watching me perform also. While waiting for them, I got homesick and felt so alone...Every other practicumer have their parents, family and friends with them and yet I sat at the corner, alone....

Anyways, supposedly, our group was to be at the second half of the program but due to technical errors with the other group (the outher group is another branch of the center i enrolled in). we were made to present first. This got me really panicky as my friends havent arrived yet and there's no one to whom I can leave my bag and stuff with. Worse, there's no one to support and watch me perform, much less take pictures of me. Being emotional as i am, i was near tears already. At the back of my mind, I was afraid that tears may fall while im singing my fast/danceable song. Anyways, my friends just got in time. No sooner were they able to sit when the DJ played my song.

Dancing while singing is still a difficult feat for me but the dancing really helped a lot in concealing my shaking hands (the worst shaking i've had during performance so far..hehe). My second song was easier because it is a slow one and it's easy to put emotions on it as i can relate to it....hehe..I was just afraid though that i may not be able to reach the high tones as my throat was already very dry.

All in all, my friends (and i think the rest of the audience too) liked my performance so I'm really happy...

To God be the glory...=)

PS
A friend texted me and asked how was my practicum. I told her it was pretty okay i think and that the crowd "loved" my "common baby" part. She said the stage can really transform you in to something else... And she's right. On stage, your courage, your talent, your presence of mind, and your quick thinking among other things is put to test and it is a challenge for you to put all your faculties to work and perform their best. Just one performance is a wholistic transformation in itself......

S Diary (Memories that are nothing yet mean everything)

A friend lent me this korean film and i must admit I was really hesitant in watching it. Afraid of the lessons I might find. Anyways, curiosity got the better of me so I ended up watching it (I have to stop watching it midway though because I still have to watch Sugo and Attic Cat..jologs i know..hehe).

It was about a girl who have had 4 boyfriends and on her 4th breakup, her ex told her to go back to her past loves and ask them if they really loved her. Her past love stories were flashedback and though there were also many "kilig moments" (i liked her 3rd bf the most), still they ended up nastily. When she returned to her exes though and asked them if they've loved her, it turned out they didnt (i think mostly because these dudes have moved on already while she had not). Angered, she thought of revenge for her exes and made them pay for all the troubles they've caused and the expenses she'd incurred while with them. When they refused to pay, she thought of funny yet creative means of revenge to get what she wanted. She ended up having the money...but ended up lonely...

Anyways, in the end was self-realization..She found the one person she had been looking for...herself...

"The memories i thought I would loose, held me close"...

In the end still, was acceptance that everything is over and she somehow got over the guys on her own without someone else coming along..really good...and yeah, she got to publish a book (a bestseller i think) and she sent each of her exes a copy....hmmmm....

But what came as a bonus was that towards the end of the movie, there were scenes of her exes that showed what length they went through to show to her they love her (though this is without the girl knowing it)....Nothing much..It's just that at least at some point in time, she was loved....

Farewells and Anticipations

I planned to wake up earlier than usual today to practice for my saturday class since I wasnt able to practice my piece for the past week. The thought however that Paige will be moving out today made me want to spend the rest of the morning with her. Que sera with my song and class...
Paige and I went through the scrapbook I gave her in where I documented the 3 and half years we've been together. Each page brought bittersweet and funny memories which all the more brought tears to our eyes. The separation still havent sank in my consciousness and it was really silly of me to think I'd still see her soon.
Anyways, my class later in the day had been like a blast to me. When I arrived in the center, I was told my practicum's next week and that I'm invited to 2 concerts (i have to pay though to cover for the production fees in which up to now I still am not in terms with the idea that I have to pay them to sing. Yeah, it's exposure for me but still...I still havent said yes to the concert though..practicum's a required one so it's ok for me to pay).
Good thing though that I havent practiced "Emotions" for the day (the head tone in this song feels like my larynx will explode to pieces though coach uly says I have a power head tone).
We had stage pop dancing lessons and being one that's totally void of exercise, I felt like I was drained of all energy after the class. I planned to work overtime but I wasnt able to since I got really tired and sleepy with our activity.
Later in the night, Paige and i said our goodbyes and there was no stopping the tears. It welled up inside us and gushed out of us. Assurances of seeing each other again.....yes i hope so....and soon please...It was really hard seeing her empty bed beside mine...her empty cabinet below mine...her missing jewelries on my "dresser"...her missing towel beside mine...
I tried to watch Beauty and the Beast but I was so lonely I still ended up crying after the movie, for an altogether different reason this time.........
Anyways, monday will be a harder one i bet as there'll be no Paige to be seen in the office anymore..no more Paige to email..no more Paige to rush to when I suddenly thought of something..
Well at least I have a sunday to prepare myself...

On the Look for a Challenging Song...

My classes are consuming my weekends but I couldnt have asked for anything more...
It's a real big help to me, especially since it takes my mind away from depressing thoughts.
At times, I feel pressured 'cause most of my classmates are kids (there's this particular rude kid i really DONT like). But what the heck, I enrolled to keep my mind off things and I wouldnt want any hecklers to hinder me from enjoying singing.
During my first two classes, I felt like I failed...my coaches (kim and jo) wrote a lot of things to improve on my singing. I was thinking, I might be singing Healing for most of my classes..
but then I was wrong..hehe..
On my 3rd session, coach dharlene said, I should find another challenging song and that i have a good VQ and TQ. I looked for challenging songs for me so I chose "Where do Broken Hearts Go" and "Break it to Me Gently". On the next session, coach uly loved my "Break it to Me Gently" (^_^) but he suggested i look for a more challenging song..he chose "Emotions" and I must admit it really really is a difficult one..and so, i cant help but grumble as i dont want a challenging song..i just want to sing, that's all..
Anyways, coach uly and kim invited me as front act in their concert and sing one song!!
i chickened out so i said, i'll think about it first..
now, im thrilled of the thought...i was wondering if the offer still stands come saturday?
=)

Pins, Pick-ups and Flies

Friday night was an unusually long night for me...

Office once again got to my nerves and it was taking all my will power not hit sink bottom again. Towards the afternoon, I kept glancing out the window and somehow, the determination of the sun to penetrate those ominous clouds gave me the inspiration to not give in to the gnawing claws of dejection.

My officemate and I went out to buy our sending off gift to Paige who'll be going to the States in the next couple of weeks. We then went to a KTV within the mall and reserved a room for our farewell party next week. After parting ways with my officemate, I once again felt the coldness around me..sucking out all the happiness i've been holding on to for the past couple of days. Much like what Harry Potter must have felt when dementors were around him. As usual when I get this kind of feeling, I grabbed an ice cream and reveled on something much colder than what I feel...

Around 10, i met Malou and Michelle and we headed off to a comedy bar... just what i need to help me unwind.
I really am amazed that in the truest sense of the word, gays are really gay and fun to be around...Just looking at them perform, sing and crack jokes (though you should be open minded to get a hang on their jokes) makes one think that being gay as they are, still, they have carried out their karma to the fullest. Good for them, as they're assured they wouldnt turn into stones in their next life..hmmm..i wonder if they've reached nirvana yet.....=)

Anyways, at that time, I was thinking if it was my karma to go out and sing on the stage. My two companions were trying their bestest (^_^) to convince me to sing on stage but I was so, so afraid to have the gays make fun of me and make a laughingstock out of me and ask me one fatal question: "girl, do you have a boyfriend?"...aaarrgghh..One fatal question would lead to another, i'm sure of it...

The challenge to perform and conquer my fears got the better of me however and I agreed to sing "So Slow" (again) and "Love Moves in Mysterious Ways".

Waiting for my turn took forever however...Finally, Michelle expedited the waiter and after some confirmations, we were told that I was next in line. I was really nervous (wonder how fear of gays is called?-gaynophobia??^_^) I had to go to the CR to pee.

Michelle really acted like a stage sister so much, I was starting to think she's more nervous than I was... Anyways, I wasnt called in the next number however and so, we waited for yet another number, my nervousness mounting all the while. However, this did not hinder me from noticing how the guys from the other table were looking at michelle. Being on the lookout for attractive personalities myself, their moves were all too familiar to me--like, discreetly looking at his back (it wasnt discreet to me really) or turning around and signaling for the waiter when there was no waiter at the back at all...=)

I told Michelle how the guys at the other table were trying to communicate to each other there was a looker at our table but michelle wouldnt hear of it. I decided to stall for time however and see what would their next move be.

Just then, Phillip (a famous gay TV personality) called my name and instantly, I heard drum rolls in my ears. Though it was getting louder as I walked to the stage, I felt like it was also eerily silent at the same time...like, a pin could drop to the ground and still you could hear a loud thud as it hit the floor...

Try as I might to just enjoy the song and forget how nervous i am, still, it was a big effort for me to hide the shaking I felt inside. This did not stop me however, to notice how a real cutie guy in front kept banging his head to the beat of my song and how he kept clapping his hand..=)

I glanced on the direction of my friends and the sight of the guy-on-the-next-table talking to michelle somehow zapped my nervousness and I suddenly found myself smiling on stage. The applause I got after my number was really heart-warming but i was suddenly oblivious to it as I was excited to hear Michelle's story. It turned out that the guy-on-the-next-table asked michelle if she (and her companions ) would like some more drinks. Michelle declined however, and told the guy we were just about to go and were just waiting for me to finish with my performance. Poor guy..if I was there, I wouldnt have delined the offer (though i was not the one being offerred) and would have ordered marguerita for the three of us (it's free so why sulk?hehe). Anyways, thinking about it now, michelle's decision may have been right as we couldnt have handled the guys later on (they look too big for me and thinking of the consequences makes the experience somewhat scary..^_^). Certified manangs, we are...hehe..

Right after my "performance" (as it was very late, or shall we say early in the morning already), we got out and headed to Malou's car. Malou was then frantically searching for her car keys but couldnt find it in her bag nor in her pockets. Michelle cracked a joke that the keys must have been left inside the car...

Horrified, it dawned on us that the key WAS really left inside the car...

Some guys noticed our dilemma and they told us the car door lock has to be forced. Funny how they were so defensive when they told us they were just there to help us and that they were really not experts on forcing car door locks. They tried to force the lock using a wire but after about 30 mins, their attempts were futile however. They called on another guy, a taxi driver, and the guy was profusely cursing them as he was saying he was a taxi driver and not a professional carnapper. Nevertheless, it turned out he was good at picking locks as he was able to open the car door in no time at all, with just a fork in hand...

Malou saw Michelle and me home and the excitement of the night was slowly taking a toll on us. We chatted for some time in the sala and I got up to take a look at myself in the full length mirror. Just as we thought we had enough excitement for the night, I found out that my fly was open!!!It was open from the time I went to the CR in the bar, up to the time I went up the stage and until we went home. Good thing my polo was long and my open fly wasnt obvious. Or was it??

=)